Friday, June 1, 2018

Sending out a group text or a mass Graphics Interchange Format (aka GIF)? Well here’s a tip for you: You can miss me with that s#it (for real)


“Let’s see how many hearts of love you are willing to give.  I’ll be waiting on mine…”

Ugh!

I turn off my already parked car and angrily open my Facebook Messenger settings.

Audrey, Audrey, Audrey…

How the fu@# can I block this woman? 

Just as I think I may have succeeded in blocking Audrey I get another message notification.

“It’s a blessing to have a friend like you…”  This GIF has flashing diamonds and gold hearts.

Michael?  Who the hell is Michael? I don’t even know this person. 

I look up his profile and see that he is “friends” with about 100 of my distant relatives (none of whom I have ever actually met or spoken with).  I turn back to Messenger and scroll back up to settings.

“It’s NOT a 'blessing' Michael! You know why?  Because I’m not your friend!!!”

My yelling startles a woman walking by my car. She quickly looks the other way and picks up the pace.

"Happy Mother's Day!" This GIF is from someone named Amy.  "I hope I get one back!"

Answer me this, Amy - is it really a Happy Mother's Day message when you're asking for (demanding) one in return?  Have I even ever met you in real life, Amy? Where is this sense of entitlement coming from?

“Hallelujah!"—  Hails a gold, sparkly "Jesus GIF" from someone named Terry.  “Just a lil something to brighten your day.”

I don’t know what I resent more — the assumption that I am a Christian and will appreciate this religious image, the implication that my day needs brightening or the use of that lazy contraction, "lil" (which also happens to be a favorite prefix for many rapper's names).

I want to message each of them back in all caps: DON’T YOU DARE ever, never, ever - SEND ME NOT ONE MORE MASS GIF! EVER!!!

I picture Terry, Amy, Audrey and Michael sitting eagerly in front of their desktop computers in their living rooms waiting for responses to their respective GIFs.  (Living rooms, which I’m sure are filled with plastic-covered sofas, needlepoint pillows and porcelain knick-knacks)

They’re probably smiling and thinking, “This is definitely going to brighten someone’s day” or “Maybe this person could really use some random, bouncing multi-colored hearts in their lives,” or “This person will know that they have a TRUE friend now!  As evidenced by this glittery, flashing, neon friendship sign!

So yes - I’m kind of a Scrooge when it comes to ANY KIND of mass message.   For instance, an ill-timed group text can send me over the edge just as easily as a mass GIF.  This past Saturday, as some of you know, was prom for many LA-area schools.

The first group text came in Sunday morning at 5:45.

“Just wanted to share some prom pictures!”

Even without my glasses I can see that she’s used at least 20 “cheerful” Emoji’s.

Emoji over-use. Right up there with people who call me while chewing...

I place (slam) my phone back down on my nightstand, cursing her COMPLETE lack of consideration. 

Before six on a Sunday morning??? Who does that?!

Just as I am drifting back to sleep, the responses start coming in -- making my phone vibrate like an angry swarm of bees.

“Awesome!”

“So handsome!”

“Time really flies!”

“Good looking couple”

“Good job, Mama.”

What the….!!!!  Don’t any of these people know how to reply OFF OF the text thread?  How can they not?  And what are all these people even doing up?!?

It makes me wonder -- who actually likes these things?  I mean do you care for group texts and their inevitable chain-responses?  Do you enjoy mass GIFs? Do you read and appreciate all of those bulk holiday messages (Happy Cinco De Mayo!).  And if you do like them, do you ever respond to them?  And if no one is responding, why do people keep sending them?!?

But let’s just assume for discussion's sake, that I am ALL ALONE on this.  Let’s say that I am the only one who has ever growled out loud at a mass GIF — that I am the only person whose daily serenity has been ruined by the unbridled hemorrhaging of obligatory responses to some random group text (or email).  Am I not allowed to be frustrated?  Pissed off?  Fed up?

And my rant would not be complete if I didn’t include one more major pet peeve of mine: New acquaintances who send you one or two word texts first thing in the morning.

“Hey” or "Hi" (These seem to be the most popular)

 Or another favorite:

“Good morning" 

Huh? Good morning?  

Well, not anymore!  In fact, you may have just ruined a potentially good morning by sending me this incredibly irritating text at 7:00am.

And just how am I supposed to respond to Hey, Hi or Good morning?  Should I send a meaningless one or two-word text in return?  I mean are they asking me to begin an entire daylong, monosyllabic text-exchange? 

I’m sorry but this is not “cute." This is not a conversation starter, people, this is a passive/aggressive friendship-ender.  You’re texting me but you're not really saying anything.  Why?

I'd rather you just call and tell me what's on your mind (or just don't send a text if you don't know what to say).

Either way, I'll have more respect for you.


So, shall we review?

No more mass GIF's to “brighten my day” (and just so you know, I will NEVER pass anything you send to me along to 10 "friends" - EVER).

No more group texts where I receive multiple responses, please.  Seeing all those replies pour in one after another makes me want to smash my phone (over your head).

And lastly, no single word salutations from anyone (but especially from new friends).   They make me instantly hate you (plus I refuse to take the bait). 


And no, I’m not ever responding to any of the above — ever.


4 comments:

  1. Right there with you. Love this.

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  2. I completely agree! If you really need to share something with a group feel free to use Instagram or Facebook; it's kinda of why those formats were created! I prefer to keep my phone as a device of convenience, which it ceases to be the moment I'm forced to read responses I didn't ask for. And please, if there are no children under the age of 10 in a household, you don't call or text before 8am.

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  3. Lol! I have 4 words for you. Settings and Turn off notifications.
    I actually deleted my Facebook after watching Mark Zuckerberg testifying (lying) to congress about the election. President Obama told him to watch all the hate on his platform and he ignored it cause he only cared about his profits. Anyway, I can’t stand him. Plus all I ever did on Facebook was post things, everything was set to private and I wasn’t even under my real name so people couldn’t find me unless I wanted them to. It was a total time suck and I had to endure the people I choose to be friends with the same things you just described. It was more of a hassle. I know Mark owns Instagram also but because he didn’t invent it is probably why I like it more. It’s less invasive and easier to navigate. I’m so much happier without Facebook in my life. I highly recommend. ��

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